It’s the eyes that tell it all.
The gaze of a quiet yet powerful melancholy.
A longing unseen.
Sounds dance slowly,
Float in a familiar but vague cadence.
A melody unheard.
Words fade before spoken.
The heart’s utterances paralyze the tongue.
A sonnet unspoken.
Fatigued by the rise and fall of the mouth,
Privy to the sting of salty tears.
A touch unknown.
Unsure of their place.
Confused by the ambiguity of many moments.
A sentiment unexpressed.
There is no other like the face of goodbye.
This post was incredibly difficult to complete, most likely for a variety of reasons. One primary challenge, however, was trying to determine how to verbally communicate something that is beyond verbal. I lack words to adequately describe the intricacies of the emotions that seem to be ever present for me, and from what I hear, from a number of my dear friends as well.
Nevertheless, the intensity and urgency to give voice to this haze within has also been a constant companion over the past months. So, in order to avoid the loss of leaving parts of me quieted, I write.
And I dedicate this attempt to those who have been my fellow sojourners over the past five years and for more to come. In this moment, this is to my cohort family, but will hopefully also resonate with anyone who has experienced the heavy fog when we are facing goodbye.
We began eagerly, with thoughts and expectations of an exciting path to a degree and a career.
Yet, we of course were in search for much more, at least I was.
I’m quite convinced that not one of us set foot on Fuller’s campus, into a clinical psychology program nonetheless, for simply a degree.
There was a deeper calling, a greater cause, a more complicated yearning.
However, I can honestly say I was not sure what that was or is.
Some part of the mystery of that search and longing is still alive in me today.
Nevertheless, we dedicated ourselves to an excruciatingly personal pursuit.
We’ll call it the pursuit of education, though that word does not do justice to the experience.
Countless hours of reading, writing, memorizing, and thinking.
Think, think, think. (It’s now become one of those weird-sounding words).
Process, brainstorm, come up with, reflect, analyze.
Yes, there is certainly a storm our brain has weathered for years.
Paper upon paper, book upon book, quarter upon quarter.
Our cognitive energy never at rest, not really, not fully.
Not to mention the ways in which every bit of ourselves was awakened and examined, even if only by our own inner judge.
From day one, we were asked to excavate anything and everything that existed within.
Our past failures, our future fears, our pains, joys, and anxieties,
It was time for examination.
Unbury it all and either put it on the table, or carry it in your arms.
And we soon also began holding the lives of others.
Looking into the face of pain, of rejection, fear, and regret.
We were asked to lean in….
Lean all the way in to the depths of humanity.
And we were evaluated on how well we could do that.
Our own criticism usually much greater than others.
But nevertheless confirmed at times.
I faced my own depths as well.
Times in which everything I rejected about myself took its place front and center.
Instances of utter disappointment, in myself and others.
Lonely seasons, weeks of withdrawal.
Days of frustration and irritability, moments of despair.
And times when it was challenging to take another step,
Impossible to see past the mountain that blocked my view from within the valley.
And yet, I also faced joy.
Eye rolls and complete disbelief at a number of situations.
Songs and jokes and hugs.
Tears and laughter, that is the way of it.
And relationships grew.
For me, the friends during this critical stage of my life became like family.
Brothers and sisters that shared life and could relate to me in ways that others sometimes cannot.
All with hearts after something transcendent, something sacred.
So, as we approach an end of something, I can hardly imagine where the time has gone.
And I can hardly imagine where it has not.
Life flies by when you do not have time to pause.
The cherished memories feel like a lifetime ago, yet also just yesterday.
Somehow both are true.
As I contemplate the transition that is surely coming, my heart grows heavy.
My natural instinct is to turn from it.
To leave first, to walk away.
It is difficult for me to face the goodbyes.
The emotions perplex my logic.
Not surprising as emotions and logic speak different languages when they need to.
And I know it is not truly a final goodbye.
Yet, there is an indescribable sadness, as my friend Sarah has expressed.
It was a meaningful chapter, and for me, a life-altering one. It was one of those that I need to read again and again, for there will always be something I can learn from it.
And yet I don’t want it to be just another chapter to leave behind.
I want the whole story, to keep it with me!
I don’t want to part with the characters.
So I mourn.
There is a grief that shadows the face….it creates a layer of distance.
Even as I’m surrounded by those I love, I’m not sure I can see myself in their eyes.
Nor are they likely reflected the same way in mine.
It is a grey loneliness. The colors have somehow faded in the haze.
Perhaps this is necessary.
A way to prepare one’s heart for the adjustment it will soon be required to make.
But the face.
The eyes can look down, the mouth deny the pain.
However, the face still reveals the reality.
I see it in the mirror and on the faces of my dear friends.
The truth that we are exhausted, depleted, fatigued, worn.
Excited for the future, mature in our ways, certainly.
But sadness stands next to that.
One cheek bright and happy, the other droopy and melancholic.
There is indeed a farewell approaching.
Maybe the end of a powerful volume.
The goodbye whispers for us to look at it.
To call it by name and give it credence.
‘Look up, turn around, glance over.’
And there are times when I find the courage to do so.
I begin to feel the touch of those next to me.
A unity is present and alive.
With worn and tired bodies, we join hands as we raise our heads.
For we are not alone,
As we stand together and face goodbye.